I was sitting in one of Fairfax City’s Panera’s Bread today when an unsuspecting staff member was brutally attacked. The employee was working diligently, I assume, in the back kitchen as the Panera’s Bread workforce snuck silently behind him and struck! Without any warning, the group of approximately 10, surrounded the man and started singing “Happy Birthday.” The tune, apparently only vaguely familiar to these people, was performed in several different keys and at several different tempos.

I was overwhelmed by the group’s unrelenting viciousness. Did they not have ears? Could they not hear the crime they were committing? Not only was the intended victim feeling the abuse but I and the rest of the Panera’s innocent costumers were also being orally mutilated.

What makes Americans do such inhumane acts to poor birthday celebrants? I have hardly ever heard a rendition of “Happy Birthday” that doesn’t assault my ears. Groups of ordinary individuals who normally sing only on a substandard level, say at church services or baseball games, descend to unparalleled depths of villainous squealing, squawking and howling.

People who can’t carry a tune from point A to Middle C sing the highest, the loudest and always, and I mean always, go up for the octave at the end. They are merciless.

I hereby call upon all of you ruthless, hateful attackers to permanently beat your vocal swords into silent plowshares. It really is the best birthday gift you could ever give someone.

6 Responses so far »

  1. Tim said,

    June 3, 2009 @ 11:55 pm     

    This is the most outstanding piece of prose I’ve read in ages! Keep ’em coming.

  2. shortblondealumni said,

    June 5, 2009 @ 1:29 am     

    I will now think twice before singing happy birthday to someone 😛

  3. KattyBlackyard said,

    June 15, 2009 @ 4:50 am     

    Hi, very nice post. I have been wonder’n bout this issue,so thanks for posting

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